Finding Your Relationship Vision

Transcript

This is episode six of In The Messy Podcast.

I’m your host, Jan, a practicing psychotherapist in Ontario, Canada. And this podcast exists because we envision a future where every relationship, no matter how messy it may seem, has the potential to evolve into something beautiful and thriving. If you really like this podcast, I’d love it if you could hit the subscribe button.

And if you want to make my day, please leave a review. It’s one of the only ways I can interact with you all.

I’m really excited about this episode because I’ve been doing this ever since I was 18. We’ll go through five different steps, painting your picture, setting your intention, Take relentless action, revisit and refine, and live your vision. And it’s something that I adhere to, and typically I spend my birthday or a significant event like New Year’s or Christmas or the start of fall to go through this exercise. [00:01:00] It’s one of the key things that has helped me have the relationship of my dreams. No relationship is perfect, but this is closer to what I would love

So I invite you to do is you’ll need a pen and paper. I highly recommend doing this exercise without your phone, which helps you to clear your mind enough to actually think for yourself. So when you’re ready, let’s begin. The most common question asked in my psychotherapy practice is about decisions. Do I continue this relationship? Do I break up? Is it my fault? Is it their fault? What do I do here? I almost always answer back, Where do you want to be in five years? Where do you want to be in ten years? I want you to picture this, you waking up five years from now. And as I’m going through this picture, maybe your dream is different, and that’s okay, just change it so that it reflects your perfect day, your perfect dream day five years from now.

So the air is crisp and the morning light filters through the curtains, casting a warm glow over your room. You stretch feeling the comfort of a bed that seems custom made for your body. Because it is. And to your left, your partner, your confidant, your love sleeps peacefully. As you rise, your feet meet the smooth hardwood floors. The crackle of a fireplace fills the room. Its flickering light reflecting off the walls of a space entirely yours. This is your sanctuary, your home, perfectly aligned with your taste and symbolic of your journey. it could be a sun drenched loft in Chicago or New York City where the hum of urban life energizes you. Or it’s a secluded cabin in the mountains of British Columbia where the silence is broken only by the rustle of leaves. And whatever the setting is, it’s your dream home. You share it with your dream partner. And today isn’t special because of a holiday or an event. It’s special because it’s your normal but perfect day. As you move through the morning, you do it at your own pace. There’s no rush. The day is yours and it’s filled with the things that make you feel alive. Perhaps you start with a run through the woods after dropping your kids off at school. The air is fresh, the path is familiar and you return home energized And ready for work. You’re ready to answer those emails or get on that meeting call in your home office, a space that is inspiring as it is functional. And then you retreat to your backyard treehouse, the perfect spot to write the book you’ve always dreamed of, or to do any hobbies that you’ve wanted, whether it’s music, dance, anything, Later on, you head to your home gym where you push your limits knowing that every drop of sweat brings you closer to peak physical condition. No matter what age you are, 40, 50, 60, 70, you are working out and pushing your limits. afterwards, you volunteer at a local animal shelter, a cause really close to your heart. The animals know you by scent. the staff greets you with warm smiles. You’re not just a volunteer, you’re family. As the day unfolds, you continue working, knowing that each hour that passes gets you closer to being with the people you love. And that excites your soul. It’s not just work, it’s a passion. The afternoon is spent cheering on your kid at their baseball game, your heart swelling with pride. You’re saying, yeah, that’s my kid. as the sun sets, you enjoy a late dinner with your spouse, discussing life, dreams, and the future you’re still building together. You’re so in love with your partner.

Because they are your everything. Your ride or die, the apple of your eye, your one and only, the person of your dreams, your best friend, and the parent of your children, and the list goes on. Yes, it was hard work to get here, but you did it because you harnessed the power of purpose and vision. this day is extraordinary, not because of what you’re doing, but because of how you feel, completely content, satisfied, and in control.

There’s no arguments or unresolved issues hanging over your head. No stress gnawing at your nerves. You’re living harmoniously with your surroundings, your purpose, and yourself. But here’s the thing. This isn’t just a one time experience. This is your normal. But let’s rewind a little bit, you’ve just taken a glimpse into your future. A day that could be your reality in five short years. The purpose of this is for you to envision yourself happy, confident, fulfilled. It’s vivid, it’s tangible, and believe it or not, it’s within your reach. But the thing is, it’s not going to happen just by chance, and you need to create it one decision at a time. So the first step here is painting your picture. This is where that pen, that notebook comes in handy. Write down in meticulous detail what your perfect day looks like, hour by hour. And it isn’t just about the big things, like where you live or what you do For a living. It’s about the small moments that make up your day. What time do you wake up? What’s the first thing you do? What does your morning routine look like? How do you spend your afternoon? Who’s with you in the evening? And in terms of your relationship, how’s your love life? Do you know how to turn your spouse on? How do you resolve conflict when it arises? Is your relationship filled with laughter? Do you know how to make your partner belly laugh until it hurts? What do you want to do with your partner? Do you enjoy hobbies with them? Is there something that you love doing? You love spending time with them? What kind of partner do you want to be? And vice versa. How do you want to feel with your partner? If you need to, you can feel free to pause this podcast and think about what do I want in life? Where do I want to be in five years? So take just a moment and when you’re ready, you can come back to this podcast.

Step two is set your intentions. With your vision in hand, use it as your compass. You are the person steering your boat. And you need your North Star. This is your vision. This is so important because how do you know where to go without knowing what you want to do, where you want to go in life, how to make decisions. Every decision, big or small, should be weighed against this vision. When faced with a choice, ask yourself, does this move me closer to my perfect day with my partner or does it push me further away? Does this move me closer to my perfect day with my partner? Or does this push me further away? Is this relationship in line with the life that I want to live? Or is this a detour? Does this relationship elevate me? Or does it drain me? And you might be wondering, I don’t know whether things will pan out. Who knows what’s going to happen in the future? What I want to say about that is, yeah, you can try. You can try being with that [00:10:00] person, pursuing that career or whatnot. What you need to do is be honest with yourself. Do you see yourself with that person? With that friend group? With that community? Ask yourself, truly and clearly, are there any potentials of change? And if you’re married, that’s a completely different question here. Perhaps you’re married to somebody that is very difficult to work with, even though you’ve talked to them about your vision Talk to them about what you want your life to look like and perhaps they’re resistant You can’t change your partner, but you can change yourself. Ask yourself what you can do in this relationship to help move you closer to your perfect date with your partner. Okay, doesn’t mean breaking up with them, but potentially it could be okay I need to communicate a little bit more or maybe I have to lay off the communication. It’s overwhelming my partner right now Understand that you have a choice to make things better or worse, in terms of the future, we never know what’s going to happen. We never know if our partners are going to change or not. Your vision isn’t just a dream, it’s your decision making framework. So set that intention, tell yourself every single day, If I make this decision, will this get me closer? To where I want to be, to my dream vision. And sometimes you got to be very ruthless and say, you know what? This is not really great. This is not what I’m looking for. And what I need to do is make that hard choice to either step away, to either continue to pursue or to let that go.

Another thing about this. It doesn’t mean even in friendships that you say, Oh, because you are not aligning with my goals, with my vision, then I’m going to cut you off. There’s this idea that was really popularized talking about how we are the accumulation of the five closest people to us. And while that may be true, there is just so much beauty to having people who are really different from us, who have different vision and different goals from us. And that is a part of life, learning to be with people or to have community with people that are different, that are not the same.

So going back to decision making framework, this is really important to understand that you need to start making intentional decisions for yourself. Almost like it’s going through a decision making matrix where you say, is this helping me? Sometimes it’s helping me great. Sometimes it’s not helping me. What do I need to do to change that decision? So it can benefit my partner, my spouse, my family. Step three is to take relentless action. Your normal but perfect day isn’t just a fantasy. It’s a goal, and goals require action. Break down your perfect day into achievable steps. If working at home is part of the vision, what must you do this month, this week, and today to make it a reality? If financial freedom is your aim, what steps are you taking to ensure that future? If a strong, happy, and fulfilling relationship is your goal, what step can you take to make that difference? And the key is to start small, but be relentless. Don’t stop when you reach a barrier. Just realize, okay, there’s a barrier here. What can I do to overcome this barrier? And each action, no matter how minor helps you progress towards your perfect day. For example, if you want to wake up at 6:30, so you’re ready, you’re able to get your kids ready, so that you can be there when your spouse needs you. That requires you to engineer it, figure out what time do you have to sleep, how much work can you actually realistically get done during that day in order to get to sleep at a good time and to wake up. Once you realize that this is your vision, you can sacrifice. Once you realize that this is something that you really want to work towards, this is something that is very meaningful to you, very worthy of sacrifice, you bet you’d stop scrolling on social media, you’d stop revenge procrastination late into the night. You will try and pull the moon and the stars into orbit so that these things can align. And I want to say that if you’re actively working toward your dream, you’re already living the dream. even now, as I’m working towards my dream, I feel that fulfillment. I feel that contentment. I feel that movement and that forward propelling of my life. That, yeah, my life is very intentional. I feel that fulfillment. It’s very purposeful. And an example that I want to give and not to toot my own horn or just say my relationship is amazing. No, it’s not. There’s a whole lot of things that we’re working on, one of my friends, she just hung out with us over the weekend and we love her so much. And she said, Hey Jan, your relationship. with your husband is so incredible to me. It’s so astounding to me. You guys can laugh together when there are any conflicts, you guys are able to repair that. And it’s amazing to me how you can move throughout your day, knowing that, Regardless of any arguments, regardless of any conflict, you’re able to come back together. You’re able to laugh. You’re able to have fun. You’re able to joke around. And I had to take a step back because I didn’t notice that until she said it out loud.

I know that in these past few years, Marriage has been extremely hard for us because we’re two completely different people. We have two completely different backgrounds. We have two different sets of parents and sibling dynamics. We have different educations. We have all of these things that are stacked up against each other. We don’t even have common hobbies. And at the same time, we’ve put in a lot of work in the past few years to laser focus on what is meaningful. What do we want in our relationship? How do we want to live our life? And in a way, engineer it backwards. So if we want the specific vision, what are the steps that we need to take, this year, month to month. Week to week, day to day, and we just needed to break it down. So what I encourage you to do is every week set a new goal, set a step that brings you closer to your vision. Review your vision, if possible, every day. When you wake up in the morning, maybe write it on a piece of paper and stick it where you can see it, or put it in front of the mirror so that’s the first thing that you see. You not only see your beautiful face, but also the note. the thing that is calling you, the thing that drives your direction, that rudder that helps you make your decisions. So whether it’s tackling a specific project, working on communication skills, prioritizing your relationship, you need to keep on track each day. You gotta understand that this is a bigger picture. you know, we’re humans. We fall. Sometimes we get sick, lose motivation, and feel overwhelmed by all the things we need to do in life. And that’s okay, right? That’s what life is. It’s understanding that, yeah, it is hard, and I can do it. I can take one step no matter how small, even if it’s just doing the dishes, greeting your spouse at the door or spending five extra minutes with your spouse rather than on your phone. Any baby step is a step in the right direction.

Your day focused on the big picture. And number four is to revisit and refine. Life is dynamic. It changes all the time. And so does your vision. Revisit your perfect day regularly. Sometimes I do it, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annually, especially on my birthday. And as you grow and change, so too might your aspirations. Adjust your vision to reflect your evolving growth. your perfect day should always be a true reflection of your most authentic self. Keep refining, keep adjusting, but never lose sight of your end goal. I wrote out my vision years ago when I was 18 years old, long before I became a psychotherapist. And my dreams then included being in a loving relationship, pursuing a career in psychology, getting rich really quickly, traveling the world, taking five years off to explore every continent. But as time passed, I realized some desires no longer aligned to my goals.

So in my early twenties, I just wanted to go to concerts. drive a motorcycle, go skydiving, bungee jumping, And date around, But in my late twenties, I had zero interest in it. So I adjusted my vision. You’re normal, but perfect, constantly changes. And that’s okay because you’re always growing, you’re always maturing, you’re always experiencing new environments, new people, new situations in life that help you develop core beliefs. And finally, step five is live your vision. And this exercise isn’t about escapism or fantasy. It’s about creating a roadmap for your future. And I’m not saying these vision boards are hocus or whatnot, but it’s true strength lies in its ability to guide your actions. A vision board isn’t going to do anything for you. Unless you actually put in the work, unless you actually put in that action. when you align your daily choices with your future vision, you begin to live with purpose and intention. When I first started this, it was so hard to stop scrolling on social media. It was hard to understand. my time is the most valuable asset right now. It’s not even money. It’s time and I need every moment to work towards my goal. Social media is not working towards my goal. Talking with my spouse, spending time with them, communicating with them. Repairing the relationship ruptures, becoming intimate with my partner. Those things are important. Those things that create lasting change and memories. You become really selective about how you spend your time, who you spend it with, and what you focus on. If you’re actively working towards your dream, you’re living the dream.

Happiness isn’t something that you achieve once you reach the finish line. It’s something that you experience along the journey. It’s not about that end goal. It’s not, running that race and reaching that finish line and saying, Yes, I finally made it.

It’s about that journey. As you go about your day, keep that perfect day in mind and ask yourself with every choice you make, is this choice bringing me closer to that day? Then act, and be relentless about it. The life you want isn’t just a distant dream. It’s within reach, one intentional decision at a time. now, as we wrap up our sixth episode, we talked about setting that vision, that goal, that dream that you have. What you need to do is set your intentions to actually say, you know what, this is a vision that is really important to me, so I’m going to make decisions. Does this move me closer to my perfect day? Does it push me further away? And if it does bring you closer, you take that relentless action. You don’t stop, you don’t give up. Even if there are barriers, even there are hurdles even though it feels like you’re climbing this mountain and it’s so hard. You take that relentless action. Because if you’re actively working towards the dream, then you’re already living the dream.

Next, you need to refine it. As you experience life, it’s really important to understand, the person that I was a year ago, a month ago, half a year ago, that’s different from the person that I am today. And so my vision is going to change. And based on that, my decisions are also going to change as well.

And lastly, live your vision. Recognize that happiness is not achieved at the end, but it can be achieved throughout the journey. So I hope today was really helpful for you. if it was, please give a comment or subscribe. it would really mean a lot if you would do that.

This is a very small podcast and I’m just doing this by myself. I’m editing all these videos by myself and I know it’s a huge learning journey. thank you for your patience

I’d love to hear your thoughts and any questions that you may have. Take care.