How To Master Your Anxious Attachment Style

Transcript

Welcome here to episode 2 of In the Messy Podcast. I’m your host, Jan, a practicing psychotherapist in Ontario, Canada. This podcast exists because we envision a future where every relationship, no matter how messy it may seem, has the potential to evolve into something beautiful and thriving. If you like this podcast, I’d love if you could hit the subscribe button for more content like this. This will help the podcast to get into the ears of someone who would greatly benefit from it. In today’s podcast, we will dive into the anxious attachment style, its origins, what it could look like, common strategies for anxiously-attached people, and what to do about it. If you haven’t listened to the first episode, I highly recommend that you listen to it before you come here. It’ll help you understand these attachment strategies and the science behind it. Without further ado, let’s go!

Background (Attachment styles and ARE)

Attachment styles are ways in which we find that safety and security. From cradle to the grave, each person has an innate need to know that we are loved, that we are safe from harm, and that we are not alone in this big world. In all relationships no matter if its parent-child, friendships or romantic relationships, the baseline is “Are you there for me when I need it? Can I rely on you? If I don’t feel okay, will you come?” I won’t go into detail again since I cover it in the first episode but all you need to know is that there are 2 main attachment styles, secure and insecure. These styles are neither good nor bad. They’re neutral, meaning that these are simply strategies to help us go through the ups and downs in life. 

If you remember from the first episode, the fundamental basis for any and all relationships is A (Accessible), R (Responsive), and E (Engaged). In the context of a parent-child relationship, accessible is if the parents are available for the child. R (Responsive) is when the parents respond to that call at that moment. E (engaged) is when the parents can connect with the child and meet their needs for comfort, support, and love. Over time, as children gain more experience with their caregivers, they start connecting the dots.  If their parents were ARE during the most critical times in their childhoods, they learn from an early age that they can go out into the world, try new things and explore. They know that even if they fail, it’s okay because they are loved and feel safe with their parents. This is what we call a secure attachment style.

As I said before, I don’t want anyone listening to this to say to themselves, “I can’t change my attachment style because my childhood was bad and also because my parents weren’t ARE.”  If that’s you, I’m so sorry for what happened and I’m also excited for you because the first step is awareness. And that a lot of the current research shows that insecurely attached people can find ways to move towards a more secure attachment style. So don’t stop, don’t give up.

Anxious Attachment Style Origin

Now we want to talk about the anxious attachment style and how it comes about. No baby wakes up saying, “Hmm, I’m going to be anxiously attached today.” The first thing that they learn is whether their needs are being met or not. If parents are inconsistent in being ARE, babies are likely to feel worried about whether they are available and will do everything in their power to signal their needs to make sure they’re heard. They become preoccupied with their attachment figure’s ARE and look out for cues that they could be abandoned at any time. 

I don’t know if any of you have ever lost your parents in a public place whether it was a shopping mall, park, zoo or community centre. If you haven’t, kudos to you. I remember a key memory where I got lost at Canada’s Wonderland. It’s essentially an amusement park with tons of roller coaster rides, games, and food. When you’re a kid, this place is ginormous, fully of adventure and fun. I always got lost even when my parents told me to stay put! 

For those who’ve experienced this, you know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Initially, you’re fine. After all, you’re just a little kid curiously looking at anything that catches your attention and wandering about. You’re excited about all the roller coaster rides you’re going to go on and imagining all the fun that you’d have in just a few short moments. And just as you go to line up for a ride, you decide to look around for your parents just to make sure they’re there, looking at you. Making you feel safe and secure. But lo and behold, you don’t see them, not behind you, not beside you…not even around the corner. Panic starts to arise. “Where are my parents? They were right here” And before you know it, you’re not on an actual roller coster but on a roller coaster of your emotions. Perhaps your heart starts thumping in your chest. You hear the pounding of your heart in your ears. Blood rushing to your face. It gets hard to breathe. Before you know it, there are tears running down your face. Maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “I’m so scared. I’m so alone.” And the more alone you feel in the crowd of people, the more anxiety you feel inside. More tears come and you start sobbing. Out of the blue, your parents come rushing to you to comfort you. They had accidentally lost sight of you and apologized profusely. 

For anxiously attached people, they won’t stop crying unless they get the assurance that their parents aren’t going to leave. Perhaps, they don’t want to go on any more roller coaster rides for the rest of the day. Perhaps, they would prefer to stay right by their parents’ side. They need extra reassurance that everything is okay and will do anything to receive it. Anxiously-attached children grow up into adults who feel uncertain and anxious of their status in relationships. They are constantly checking to see whether their significant other is reciprocating attention and love, and finding evidence of their significant other’s care.

What could anxious attachment style look like 

Right now, I want to talk about what could anxious attachment style look like. At the beginning of the relationship or even before, anxiously attached individuals tend to jump right in. The honeymoon phase is incredibly deep and soon, people get into deeply committed relationships easily. Anxiously-attached people show the parts of themselves that are “loveable” and wonderful. On the outside, it could look like needing to be in a relationship at all times. There is a neediness and clinginess for constant attention and affection. There is an unquenchable desire to not be all alone. Over time, an anxiously attached individual will start to test the relationship. Perhaps they call, text often and want to be constantly in connection. Any time a partner wants to pull away, the anxiously attached person tends to feel attacked. “What do you mean you need space? How come you want to spend time with other people and not me?” It starts off questioning and no matter how much the partner tries to console and reaffirm their commitment, it’s hard for an anxiously attached person to trust their partner’s words because they’ve learned over time to read between the lines to find any hints of rejection or indifference. 

Common strategies for anxious attachment styles

There are some common strategies that anxiously-attached individuals use. A lot of it is a series of questioning along the lines of  ”how much do you love me?” They are constantly checking whether the partner loves them and how deeply their partners love them. Whenever they feel alone, scared, worried, or anxious on the inside, they initially reach out for support. After all, all humans thrive in ARE relationships. But when they get the confirmation, for some reason, it is not enough reassurance. So they keep on asking and trying to find other ways to get love. Sometimes the partner can be ARE for the anxiously attached significant other. Often than not, it is not enough. When anxiously attached people are not affirmed, then they tend to go on the attack. It could be simple things like passive aggressiveness, to tears, pleading, to condemning to active aggression.

Unfortunately, the anxious attachment style gets a lot of bad rep in our culture. I hate how our western culture has portrayed the anxious attachment style because now people are stigmatized. It makes me so sad when I hear some of my clients say “Oh, I don’t want to be THAT clingy girlfriend/boyfriend/partner”. No, you have attachment needs to be known, loved, accepted. You need to feel safe and secure. All humans have it and I can’t believe how many people try to deny their inherent needs for ARE relationships. It hurts my heart to see other people hurting.

What you’ve got to understand here is that what is displayed on the outside is proportionate to what they feel on the inside. Imagine you’ve always had to ask your parents for love and attention, it was never given to you freely. Imagine that sometimes you got the love and when you did, it felts so divine. It’s almost a euphoric feeling to the point that it becomes as powerful as a drug. And because you got so little of it growing up, any time you get a hit of it..it changes your life, your world, your outlook on who you are, and so much more. Imagine that you’re on the top of the mountain feeling that love. Of course you would want more of it. Of course you will do anything in your power to get it. Even if it means asking and overwhelming the people closest to you. Even if it means being called a womanizer or a player or whatever. You don’t care because you’ve lived a life where you didn’t get the love you desperately needed. It sucks to feel all alone in this big world. 

Consequences of having an anxiously attached significant other.

Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself, wow, that really sums me up or my partner. In this portion, we will talk about potential outcomes of having an anxiously attached partner. For those who have an anxiously attached significant other, please please please understand that this is only an attachment style. It’s a strategy that we employ so that we can slowly learn to become more secure in our relationships. Our attachment styles can change over time as we actively work towards healing our relational wounds and hurts. It takes time and lots of affirmation from yourself and others. Hey, the fact that you’re listening to this podcast is a great way to start learning and implementing even one new strategy.

The one thing regret that I have is not learning about attachment science earlier. I remember having a best friend in university. We would do everything together and became roommates for years. But because of a new job, I had to move away. Over time, I started building a life in the new city without my best friend. She started getting on my case saying “Oh, I miss you. We never hang out anymore.” I would always reciprocate and let her know how much I missed her too. Little by little, she would text me these paragraphs that would overwhelm me. If I couldn’t reply at that moment or didn’t know what to say, she would wonder whether I cared about her. Over time, she started sharing her regrets in spending so much effort on me when she could’ve spent the energy elsewhere. Of course I was hurt. It felt like she was attacking me. Eventually, I had to end our 10 year friendship. I was at my wit’s end as to how I could get our friendship back without feeling so drained

If only I knew about attachment science earlier, I think we would have still been friends. Now I know that she was anxiously attached which means that she needed me to show up for her. On the outside, it felt like she was treating me terribly, testing me to make sure I gave her a certain level of care. Sometimes I would succeed, other times, I’d fail. It felt like I was using a spoon to bail out the water from the titanic. No matter how much I tried, I felt terrible for not meeting her expectations. And the more I tried, the more I failed, the more she became critical and as she kept on trying to pull me in, I kept on pushing her away. Our titanic was taking in a lot of water. At that point, we were triggering each other’s attachment needs. She felt that the distance was triggering and that I didn’t care about her, I needed her to understand that I needed space and that I also cared about her. It became a vicious cycle. 

This is what typically happens in relationships. If two people are insecurely attached, they have a tendency to push and pull in the relationship. These roles are interchangeable as well. In some instances, you can be insecure and need reassurance from your partner. Other times, it’s your partner that needs reassurance. Very rarely do we have someone who is 100% anxiously attached. 

At best, an anxiously attached person can learn to be more securely attached and at worst, they could potentially sabotage their relationship, alienating their partner. 

What I would have done in with my friend is to look beyond her words and her actions and look into her intentions behind it all. I need to be so ARE that I can understand her longings, her fears, and bids for love. Instead of blaming her, I recognize how her actions displayed on the outside is proportionate to how badly she feared rejection and loneliness on the inside. 

Another thing that I would do is to establish boundaries in terms of what was acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. For example, if your anxiously-attached partner starts blaming and criticizing you, you can let them know that you care about them and that their behaviour is causing you to pull away. Do it in a firm but gentle way. After all, they are speaking out of a deep woundedness that maybe they themselves don’t understand.

How Can An Anxiously Attached Individual be more secure?

Perhaps you are the anxiously attached partner and you’re wondering how can you become more secure in your relationship. The first step is to accept that you are anxiously attached. Do not get down on yourself for being anxiously attached. It’s simply a strategy to feel better and not a life sentence that you have to take with you throughout your life. This is a moment where you can be compassionate to yourself. You’ve gone through a time in your life where you couldn’t look to your parents for comfort, safety, and security. And despite all odds, you are here today. Trust that you are capable of more that you think you are.

The second step is to think of ways in which you are anxiously attached. Perhaps a specific situation within your relationship came to mind as you were listening. Analyze what you were feeling and thinking in that moment. What did you do in that situation? Now, I want to stop you from feeling down on yourself or beating yourself up. While you can’t change the past, you can always change your present and your future.

So whenever you feel that attachment trigger, take a step back before you act out. Pause for a brief moment. What you can say to yourself is “even though my anxious attachment style is being triggered, I can take a deep breath here in this moment.” Validate your feelings. You can say something like “It’s really hard right now. It sucks to feel all alone. This is a moment of suffering”. If you can, put your hand on the place where you feel the most pain/pressure/anxiety. Perhaps it’s in your head, your shoulders, your chest, or stomach. Wherever you feel the anxiety, put your hand there and allow yourself to take slow breaths in and out.

When you feel a bit better, what I want you to do is to look at the evidence for all the ways in which your partner loves and cares about you. Look beyond their action (or inaction) into the intention (more on that later). 

One last thing is to do something to get your mind off of it. This helps you get into a calmer state which is called the window of tolerance (more on that later). When you’re in that calm state, you’re able to think clearly and make a better decision that helps you deepen your relationship with your partner and also meet your attachment needs.

Reflection

As we wrap up our second episode, we talked about one of the insecure attachment styles which is the anxious attachment style. We talked about how it came to be, what it could look like, some strategies that anxiously attached people use in order to feel more safe and secure, and ways anxiously attached individuals can become more secure. I wonder whether you can take a moment for yourself to think about the ways in which you are anxious. Perhaps you’re anxious in certain circumstances compared to others. Notice any patterns that you encounter on a daily basis. Even if it’s one thing, try to implement a change. In the next episode, we will talk about 3 major ways and strategies to help yourself or your partner manage your anxious attachment style