In The Messy Podcast
Welcome to In the Messy. In The Messy (in-ti-macy) is more than a play on words — it’s a podcast for people who want to heal their relationships from the inside out.
Hosted by Janette Chu, a Registered Psychotherapist (RP), this podcast explores the real, raw, and often messy parts of being human. Whether you're navigating anxiety, attachment wounds, relational conflict, or parenting struggles, you’ll find grounded insights, compassionate guidance, and practical tools rooted in therapy.
Each episode offers support for individuals, couples, and families—drawing from evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and more. Together, we’ll explore how your past may be shaping your present, how to move through disconnection with care, and how to build deeper, more secure relationships—with yourself and with the people who matter most.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just bring your willingness to be honest, curious, and kind to yourself. Healing doesn’t mean perfection—it means presence.
Subscribe and join me in the messy work of becoming more whole, more connected, and more integrated.
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Why You Want Your Ex Back After a Breakup
Why do you want your ex back even when you know the relationship wasn't right for you? In Episode 41 of In The Messy, Jan explores why breakups can trigger anxious attachment, why familiarity can feel safer than being alone, and why missing your ex doesn't necessarily mean you should get back together.
Learn how to manage the urge to text or call your ex, regulate your nervous system after a breakup, navigate dating again, and distinguish attachment panic from a genuine desire for reconciliation. Jan also explores what needs to change before getting back together can become a secure choice: including accountability, consistent behavioral change, emotional responsiveness, and genuine relationship repair.
When Someone You Love Fails You | Grief, Broken Trust & Healing
In this episode of In The Messy, Jan explores the kind of grief that often goes unseen—the grief that comes when someone you love is still alive, but the relationship no longer feels the same. Whether you're navigating betrayal, broken trust, infidelity, repeated disappointment, financial dishonesty, or a partner who continually lets you down, this episode offers a compassionate framework for understanding your pain without abandoning yourself.
If you're grieving the version of someone you thought you knew, struggling to rebuild trust after betrayal, or wondering whether your relationship can heal, this episode will help you approach your next steps with greater clarity, self-respect, and compassion.
From Insecure to Secure: What Actually Creates Healthy Relationships
If you've ever wondered which attachment style is the hardest to date, which attachment style takes the longest to move on, or whether certain attachment styles are doomed in relationships, this episode is for you.
In this honest and compassionate conversation, Jan explores some of the most common questions people ask about attachment theory—and challenges the idea that attachment labels determine your relationship destiny. While anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure attachment styles can help us understand our patterns, they are not life sentences.
You'll learn why the hardest relationships are often not about attachment styles at all, but about self-awareness, accountability, emotional regulation, and a willingness to grow. Jan also discusses how trauma, stress, burnout, grief, and life circumstances can influence the way attachment patterns show up in relationships.
Breakups, Grief & Anxious Attachment: How to Heal Without Losing Yourself
In Episode 31 of In The Messy Podcast, Jan explores the painful reality of breakups, heartbreak, grief, and anxious attachment—especially when love still exists, but the relationship no longer feels emotionally safe.
If you’re struggling with a breakup, replaying memories, feeling abandoned, stuck in a shame spiral, or wondering “Was this my fault?”, this episode offers compassionate guidance for navigating the grief of losing someone you deeply cared about.
Day 2: Regulating Before Relating
In this episode, Jan walks you through Day 2 of the Secure Self Workbook, focusing on a powerful shift: regulation before communication. If you struggle with anxious attachment, your reactions aren’t just emotional—they’re physiological.
Learn how your nervous system responds to perceived rejection, understand your window of tolerance, and recognize signs of hyperarousal and shutdown. Jan guides you through simple grounding exercises and reflection prompts to help you pause, regulate, and respond from a more secure place.
This episode is a practical step toward building emotional stability, breaking reactive patterns, and creating healthier, more secure relationships.
Day 1: Understanding Anxious Attachment
Do you overthink conversations, avoid conflict, or constantly wonder if you’re “too much”?
In Episode 23 of In The Messy Podcast, Jan walks you through Day 1 of the Secure Self Workbook — helping you understand anxious attachment with clarity and compassion.
Anxious attachment isn’t a flaw. It’s a survival strategy your nervous system learned when connection felt inconsistent or uncertain growing up.
How Can I Be The Best Partner with Anxious Attachment
Do you constantly wonder if you’re doing enough in your relationship? Do you feel responsible for managing your partner’s emotions so the relationship stays safe?
In Episode 22 of In The Messy Podcast, Jan explores how anxious attachment in women is often rooted in parentification — growing up believing love had to be earned by managing other people’s feelings.
When your nervous system learns early that safety comes from performing, fixing, and anticipating emotional reactions, that pattern can follow you into adult relationships. You may find yourself over-functioning, monitoring your partner’s moods, and asking: “How can I be a better partner?”
When Ghosting Feels Like Abandonment: Calming the Spiral After Rejection
Being ghosted doesn’t just hurt — it can feel devastating, especially for those with anxious attachment.
In Episode 21 of In The Messy Podcast, Jan explains why ghosting can trigger intense emotional reactions and how your nervous system interprets sudden silence as abandonment. When someone disappears without explanation, it can activate old attachment wounds and send your mind into self-blame and rumination.
Anxious Attachment & One-Sided Friendships: When You’re the One Holding It Together
Are you the one who always reaches out first? The one who keeps the friendship alive, fixes the mood, and carries the emotional weight of the relationship?
In Episode 20 of In The Messy Podcast, Jan speaks directly to the anxiously attached heart that loves deeply — and feels exhausted from being the emotional engine of the relationship. When someone you care about is passive, discouraged, or stuck, your nervous system may interpret their distance as danger. So you over-function. You try harder. You carry more. But over time, that effort turns into burnout and resentment.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
Why anxious attachment confuses effort with love
How over-functioning becomes a survival strategy
The hidden cost of being the constant initiator
The difference between needing reciprocity and needing someone to change
What secure attachment looks like in one-sided dynamics
How to stop over-functioning without becoming cold or cutting someone off
If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I loving this person — or managing my fear of losing them?” this conversation will help you slow down, tolerate space, and move toward secure connection built on mutuality, not exhaustion.
Secure love doesn’t chase or rescue. It shows up — and allows others to show up too.
Healing Anxious Attachment After a Breakup
If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, been cheated on, or made the painful decision to walk away from a relationship, and your anxiety feels louder than ever, this episode is for you. In Episode 17 of In The Messy Podcast, Jan, a registered psychotherapist, explains why relationship loss can feel so destabilizing for those with anxious attachment. Learn why post-breakup anxiety isn’t weakness, how separation distress impacts your nervous system, and what actually helps you heal—without rushing into another relationship. This episode explores grief, betrayal, rumination, self-worth, and how to begin rebuilding secure attachment from the inside out.